Presidential Candidates Play Masters

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Realizing suddenly that the American electoral system was broken beyond repair, representatives of many branches of government, all fifty states and both major parties elected to utilize a different system for electing the 45th president of the United States of America. While it pained Dartbeat to learn early yesterday morning that the traditional Masters tournament would be cancelled this summer, our sadness was quickly assuaged when we learned why: the presidential candidates already held their own championship on Dartmouth’s campus this summer term.

Dartbeat is now able to exclusively reveal the schedule for the Presidential Masters Tournament 2016. So without further ado, the new American electoral system:

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16X Bucket List

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At the start of every term, naïvely optimistic Dartmouth students throw impressive but far-fetched ideas onto a rough “to-do list” with their friends, saying to themselves, “This time, we’ll complete the list.” But let’s be honest, does that ever actually happen? No, because before you realize it, it’s week nine and you’re drowning in midterms (yes, even during week nine) and gearing up for finals, not to mention plunging deeper into the sinkhole of negative DBA. But if there’s one term to complete a bucket list, it’s sophomore summer – supposedly the most fun term of our college careers.

When I began my own 16X bucket list a few days ago, a friend told me, “Add ‘Win Masters.’” Yes, this item would be awesome to cross off a bucket list, but is it attainable? For me, absolutely not. She then suggested, “Get A’s in all your classes.” Once again, not very probable (in fact, maybe even less likely than winning Masters). So as I arrived at Camp Dartmouth for the summer, I consulted some older friends (miss you already, ‘16s!) to make a comprehensive yet achievable 16X bucket list. Here’s my guide to doing sophomore summer right:

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How to Get Your Ideal Summer Bod

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As the great philosopher Nelly foretold in A.D. 2002, “It’s getting hot in herre [sic], so take off all your clothes.” And with the rising temperatures, 16X is full of reasons to de-robe, from visiting the river, copper mines and ledges for swimming, to hiking for the sake of taking that adorable and totally original picture of you topless and staring into the wilderness below, to streaking finals and other classic forms of Dartmouth buffoonery.

If you already have the body of your dreams, stop reading and also don’t talk to me ever again. But if you’re more like me (who made it half-cup to half-cup the other night, followed tradition and eagerly ripped my shirt off ready to destroy the competition only to look down and realize that the temple that is my body had been utterly ravaged by my LSA diet of bread and more bread), then read on for some helpful tips to getting your perfect summer body!

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If Commencement Speakers Told the Truth

conan obrien

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you made it. You, the graduating Class of 2016, are about to enter the terrifying world the rest of us have been screwing up for quite some time now. Don’t listen to the people who tell you the Middle East is imploding, the migrant crisis is unsolvable or the economy is on the verge of crumbling again. (Those people worry too much.) Instead, hold your head high and embrace your imminent enslavement to the market, corporate overlords and student debt. Want to know almost no one, work your ass off for scraps and be responsible for paying for absolutely everything? Whether you answer “yes” or “no,” it doesn’t matter—the future is inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to stop it from screwing you where the sun don’t shine.

Maybe you’ll make some Cash Cash after graduation, maybe you’ll head home and stay there indefinitely. (Is that anticlimactic or what?) If I could give you any advice, I would. But since speaking at this commencement ceremony is the highlight of my resume, I hesitate to really say anything at all. Honestly, I have no idea why I was picked to give this speech, and from what I gather, you feel much the same way. But let’s forge on together and finish this thing. (I’ll spare you the depressing tale of my own complete failure in the big city and consequent move-in with my parents.)

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Beyond the Bubble: Blood, Sweat and Diarrhea

Park Guell in Barcelona, Spain

“It’s so funny how everyone’s totally comfortable telling people they have food poisoning, and everyone pretty much knows what they’re talking about, but no one can ever just say they have diarrhea.” This observation came around week two of the term, when roughly two-thirds of our group had fallen at the hands (fins? hooves?) of meat purchased from open-air markets. (Europe, you invented refrigeration. Use it.) However, as the term went on, I found it became a particularly apt metaphor for my experience abroad as a whole. Stick with me.

The only way my expectations for my term abroad could have been any higher was if someone had promised a pile of zero-calorie doughnuts and a literal unicorn waiting for me upon my arrival. The stories I heard about the Barcelona program were carefree and peppered with hilarity. Everyone I spoke to who had gone abroad described it as, at best, the peak of their Dartmouth experience and, at worst, poignant and rewarding. Even when I was applying to college in the first place, I made sure to nix any school that didn’t boast an extensive list of easily accessible study abroad programs.

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