Riding the Pine: Draft Day

by Henry Arndt and Joseph Clyne, The Dartmouth Staff

08 May 2014

Johnny Manziel, three blogs later, how are we the men still?

What’s up guys, it’s Hank and Fish back at you after an unintentional 10-day hiatus. Hank was on his deathbed with a really bad case of the “sore throat” (which bizarrely kept him from “typing” our “blog”) (by the way, my throat is still pretty sore – Hank).  Additionally, Fish was too depressed to blog after his first-round upset pick, the Warriors, lost in a heartbreaking seven games and then immediately fired their coach. This was made only worse after Henry’s pick stunned the world with a buzzer beater from beyond the arc and validated Henry’s growing sense of megalomania.

To nip our emerging blog’s focus on post-season basketball in the bud, this week we’ve decided to write about off-season football because we literally refuse to write about a sport that is in its regular season. The way we see it, there are two main candidates for the first overall pick: Jadeveon Clowney and Johnny Manziel. Both were athletic fiends in college — men playing against boys, if you will — and both face concerns regarding their ability to thrive in the NFL. Manziel put up incredible stats in college and was the first freshman to win the Heisman. Clowney nearly decapitated Michigan running back Vincent Smith and has had NFL scouts drooling over his measurables since he was in high school. Hank has Clowney going first, and Fish is going with his kindred spirit Johnny Football. Who will prevail? Will either of us get a date to formal? We argue — you decide.

Hank: Let me first say that it takes all of the energy in the body to move my sick and brittle fingers across my harsh and unforgiving keyboard. Some would say this blogging bears a strong harking back to the Jordan flu game. Others would tell the people saying those things that Jordan didn’t show up 10 days late to his flu game. To each his own.

Simply put, Fish and I do not deserve to exist on this earth as members of the same species as Jadeveon Clowney. A demigod among defensive ends, Clowney stands 6 feet 6 inches tall, tips the scale at 274 pounds, and runs an official 4.53 40-yard dash. Given his metrics alone, Clowney is truly a once-a-generation prospect, and any coach worth half his paycheck could mold him into a truly terrifying professional football player.

The Clowney naysayers point to how he often appeared “lazy” or “disinterested” in college games. College? We talkin’ ’bout college? Any team thinking about taking Clowney has absolutely nothing to worry about and should be chomping at the bit to get their hands on this big, beautiful boy. Anyone who has taken an easy class like organic chemistry or Jews in Hollywood knows how easy it is to withdraw when not properly challenged. The NFL will baptize Clowney by fire, and he will either commit himself 100 percent to every down or die. Manziel, aka “worm boy,” whose real claim to fame is “Uncle Nate Autographgate,” enjoyed inflated statistics in the NCAA under a completely different offensive scheme designed to take advantage of poorly coached defenses with undisciplined players. Manziel can’t hold a candle to the hope and promise that Clowney will instill in a Texans’ franchise desperately in need of a positive shakeup. Gently seated atop the broad shoulders of Jadeveon “The Giant” Clowney, Houston will rise to the football sun like a fiery Phoenix Jobin.

Fish:  Hank has garnered a reputation for going bold on this blog so far, and he’s keeping the tradition up with his projection of Clowney going first overall, a pick backed up by every single one of the venerable NFL draft bloggers over at Yahoo! Sports (aka our competition). I’ve decided to do something risky once again by projecting Johnny “Football” Manziel as the number 1 overall pick. The main reason that Houston should pick Manziel has nothing to do with athleticism, football IQ or even his previously demonstrated ability. Clowney’s pretty clearly a more talented and athletic player and there are at least half a dozen QBs in this year’s draft who are “smarter” than my boy Johnny Football. The guy parties with Drake, has Barbara Bush attend his pro day and helped Texas A&M raise $740 million dollars in just one year, a record for any public university. He’s simply an electric dude.

Guys who succeed in the NFL are not always the guys who are the tallest, fastest, strongest or smartest; to be successful as a quarterback, you definitely have to hit a minimum standard in all these fields. But it’s just as important to be electrifying, to be the unquestioned leader of the locker room, the guy who can make a play with the game on the line. Johnny Football will stand in the pocket with guys like Clowney breathing down his neck without a worry in the world. He’s already been harassed to no end by the media and by the fans in rabid College Station and it didn’t affect him at all.

After a Heisman Trophy-winning season his freshman year, Mr. Football followed it up with a season that was far superior in all passing statistics. Really though, my argument does not have to do with his football skill. Manziel is a baller. He took money in college and got a slap on the wrist. He goes to fraternity parties at other SEC schools just to show that he can. He went to the Manning Passing Academy and got kicked out for oversleeping, which was fine because this is the sort of quarterback who doesn’t need to learn anything from losers like Peyton and Elisha. I can guarantee this much: the team that drafts Manziel will have an immense increase in popularity and excitement surrounding their team. He has the skills to start right away in the NFL and will deliver when called upon. If he starts right away, he will be a Pro Bowler within 3 years. To be honest, there’s a chance that the Manziel hype on going early is misguided. There are potential scenarios where he even falls out of the first round entirely. No matter where he goes, Manziel will be the best quarterback and the best player to come out of this exceptionally deep draft class. He’s got the Drake endorsement and that’s all the matters to me. If you want excitement, if you want success, if you want Drake at your games, the choice is clear. Draft Johnny “Football” Manziel first overall.

Whew, another heated blog from the Bad Boys of Blogging. Good to know that the extended time off hasn’t affected us at all. And thus we leave you, our lovable, naïve readers, with nothing but a head full of questions.

P.S. The formal thing was not a joke. If interested, please contact us over blitz.




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  • Sid

    mind=blown

  • dirty mike and the boys

    what a bunch of sluts

  • jenny from the block

    this is column is hands down the best damn column in the damn state

  • timbo slice

    clowney over manziel?!?!? what are you?? HIGH??

  • No one

    hank, i would love to go to formal with you!

  • california chrome

    who watches the NFL anymore? everbody knows its all about equitation these days

  • isabel wise

    johnny manziel is just a frat house joy boy. he’s just a lil bitch, probably 6-2 a buck sixty with a sunken in chest i could eat a bowl of cereal out of. on the other hand, i could see clowney walking out onto the field in houston with the BUFFEST swag i have ever seen

  • C.S. Lewis

    the writing style of this column rings similarities of an early Emily Bronte. Henry Arndt and Joseph “Fish” Clyne have, in my opinion, recaptured the essence of the Sphynx of Literature