The 12 Kinds of Blitzes You Get at Dartmouth


“What’s a blitz?” you might wonder. Is it a football maneuver? Is it a 2011 Jason Statham film? A sudden military attack? Yes. Yes to all of those. At Dartmouth, though, we use the Blitzmail system, so when you get an email, it’s called a blitz. Coincidentally, since the Listserv usually sends out emails in rounds, blitz could also very easily refer to your impressive and overwhelming 3 p.m. influx of mail. But what kind of blitzes are you going to be getting? Let’s find out. 1. The “Listserv” blitz This blitz has been sent to everyone on campus. It probably refers to some open event like a show or performance, and it’ll go something like this. Popular features: – Subject line in all caps – Information that is not in any way relevant to your life – Over your first weeks at Dartmouth, your ability to speed scan and delete these will become legendary. 2. The “hidden recipients list” blitz This blitz is a mystery. It usually comes from someone you know only tangentially, and you’ll be up until the wee hours wondering how many other people received this email. Are you special? Did they send it to everyone? Should… Read more »

FoCo Joe: Phish Food Yogurt

Joseph Kind / The Dartmouth Staff

I recently noticed that combining Greek yogurt and Nutella is trending among the men’s swimming and diving team. It really is a beautiful dessert, so simple, delicate and loved (or at least respected) by all. Everyone has his or her own ratio of yogurt to Nutella — some turn out a very dark brown, while others are a lighter chocolate milk hue. Either way, this dessert is a surefire success. This is a core mission of my column — to create light, easy and delicious treats that cannot fail. While I was making my own version of the dessert, I realized I needed something more. I wanted texture, I wanted more color and I wanted more flavor. This dessert is somewhat more impulsive in comparison to past creations, but the final product closely mirrors Ben and Jerry’s classic Phish Food ice cream. PSA: Ben and Jerry’s makes a great frozen yogurt Phish Food as well! Here’s how to spice up your yogurt-Nutella pond with some “Phish.” And remember, there are so many Phish in the sea — M&M bits, caramel and Fluffer Nutter are just some of the many options! Don’t stress about the proportions for this dessert. If your… Read more »

Top Ten: Yik Yak’s

Need a place to anonymously complain about midterms, the weather or Cornell? Want to brag about how drunk you are or how much sex you’re having? Or do you just want to read jokes, some Dartmouth-specific, some stolen from other online sources? If so, Yik Yak — an anonymous smartphone app that has picked up steam on campus — is for you. The app is hugely popular among college students nationwide, although in Dartmouth’s case, users are mostly ’18s. Users can post and read other posts from a 1.5-mile radius. Posts are often relevant to specific campus events, like Homecoming, the end of the six-week frat ban or the traumatic Math 8 midterm. The app ranks posts in order of popularity. However, posts that reach -5 are automatically deleted, meaning that the majority of the posts are positive, or at least generally agreed upon by the Dartmouth population. Some of the posts are laugh out loud hilarious, while others are just plain confusing. Without further ado, here are the top ten Yik Yaks of the past week, scientifically ranked by my personal preference: 10. The college paradox: Skip a class to study for said class 9. The good thing about group projects is… Read more »

Texts From Last Night: Homecoming Edition

Well, it’s happened. The big fall weekend has come and gone, the fire has been touched, the miles have been run. And the late night texts have been sent. We’ve found some of your best texts amid the Homecoming frolicking and although the weekend is over, the texts will live on (even if you don’t remember them).

The perils of Late Night Collis.

415: Drunk for Dumplings, no DBA
415: Hey that rhymed

When does the networking end? (Hint: it doesn’t)

617: I’ll actually try to wingman though the fact that I shadowed his father for a day and am connected with him on linkedin might be hard to suppress
617: Just subtly punch me in the face if I seem like I’m about to bring it up 

The real meaning of anarchy.

603: cocoa butter kisses
781: anarchy

Precaution taken to the next level.

603: Walked my bike because I didn’t want a DUI

DroCo is the only way to FoCo.

443: wait nvm. you probably don’t want dinner with drunk me
443: unless you do

The futile apologies of late-night munchies.

252: I ate so much of ur bread last night I’m sorry


17 Hours at Dartmouth College

Portsmouth, England. Oct. 17, 1714, 8:00 p.m. My time machine is finally complete! Now I must travel 300 years into the future to discover a cure for the smallpox that has been plaguing the village. I need to do so quickly — this thunderstorm is growing bigger as we speak. I have the date and location programmed into the machine. I will write again from the future. A grassy field, Portsmouth, England. Oct. 17, 2014, 8:00 p.m. It worked! I barely made it away though; a tree branch came flying through the window and hit the controllers right before I left, but it didn’t seem to have affected anything. Portsmouth has changed quite a bit in 300 years, however. I am now standing on the edge of a grassy field, and a large wooden structure with the number 18 on its top is in the center of the field. People walk around me, some alone, some in small groups. Many are wearing green shirts with the number 18 on the front. While they all speak English, they do so with a strange accent I have never heard before. But no matter, I’ll just turn off the time machine and then go find the cure. A grassy field,… Read more »

Dartmouth Admissions: Part Three


This is the third week of Dartmouth Admissions and I have effectively run through my list of people who owe me favors. So I’ve become that crazy person standing outside the admissions building yelling at people innocently trying to get lunch at Collis to “COME ADMIT SOMETHING TO ME.” Let me tell you, sounding like a crazy person is exhausting.

From what I can tell from heckling, the Dartmouth community is either comprised of: a. immensely self-confident people who truly are too proud of everything they have done to “not be able to remember anything embarrassing,” or b. a bunch of liars. I guess there is the ever-possible c. people who don’t enjoy telling their deepest secrets to strangers. That being said, while writing this article, I have met some incredible people who were unafraid to admit to hysterical things.

This weekend was Homecoming, a time filled with alums, students pretending to care about football, pong (real pong, not that root nonsense in the Mindy Project this week) and of course running laps around a giant fire. So I hope you went out, had fun, got a little crazy; you can always admit to me later this week.

All photos by Grace Miller, The Dartmouth… Read more »