How To Win At IM Sports

The weather is warming, spring is in the air and’tis the season for ultra-competitive intramural sports. I know what you’re thinking, “Parker, c’mon! IM sports aren’t competitive at all!” Well, you’re bloody well wrong, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your IM team should be so ruthlessly efficient, well-organized and brutal that it could goose-step all over Poland on a whim. IM sports are no joke, folks, and the way you people are treating them is a true disgrace to us all. Without further ado, here is everything you need to know about how to assemble your dream IM squad.
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How to Look Fit: A Guide for NARPs

Dartmouth is an extremely fit place as far as college campuses go. Nearly a quarter of undergraduate students are varsity athletes and three-quarters of undergrads participate in a form of athletics, including club and intramural sports. There is also, however, an extremely large NARP (non-athletic regular person) contingency on this campus, although you may not have guessed it. If you’re a member of this exclusive grouping, chances are you already have some tactics for hiding it or you’ve fully embraced your NARP status. But if you’ve found yourself lost, searching for answers in a sea of rowers and football players, we would like to help.

1. Always go to the gym at the most popular times of the day.
Honestly, I don’t know what these times are, but find out and be there! It really doesn’t matter much what you do at the gym, but soon people will start coming up to you and saying things like, “Do you spend all your time here?” The facetime is crucial. Maximize it by taking one of the first machines on the main floor.

2. Regardless of your activity level for the day, wear athletic clothes.
Sure, you may just be lying in bed watching Netflix, only exerting yourself to walk to the library where you’ll be sitting all day, but it’s all about appearance. Dress the part and your peers will be none the wiser. Bonus points if you get comments like “You look so sporty!” and are able to shame others who complain that they haven’t gone to the gym in days.

3. Have an outrageous pump up playlist.
We all know that only the fittest of the fit have killer workout playlists. Channel the swoll while putting this together and you’ll fool everyone.

4. Eat a ton.
Seriously! With your athletic clothes on people will assume you had an insane workout. Talk it up if anyone second-guesses you, interspersing mentions of “sets” and “reps” as often as possible.

5. Wear your headphones around your neck.
This works with both earbuds and full headphones and will give your ensemble the finishing touch of “Yeah, I lift” vibes. You can even go all out and get one of those armband holders for your iPhone.

6. Have a FitBit and/or other popular workout device or app.
All the people I know who own FitBits are already excruciatingly more fit than I am, so by sporting one everyone will think you must be really invested in working out. Feel free to also download any workout monitoring apps and the like on your phone. This is another fake it ’til you make it (or not…#NARP4LYFE) tactic.

7. Be sweaty and flustered.
It makes it seem like you really nailed your workout and now you’re on some insane adrenaline high, or whatever happens when you exercise that hard…The sweat is physical evidence of your exertion while being flustered puts the nail in the coffin. No one will even question your workout after that. Exert minimal effort by merely stepping outside and you’ll be sweaty in seconds!

6 Ways to Step Up Your IM Sports Game

trash talk

Summer is the perfect time to take up an intramural sport. Whether you’re showing off your softball skills or letting the World Cup get to your head and telling everyone you’re trying out “football,” chances are you could use some advice for amping up your IM game. Dust off those cleats and go borrow a real athlete for practice – we’re about to get sporty.

1. Watch inspirational sports movies to get pumped up. Talladega Nights is always a great selection.

Sony Pictures Entertainment/Via

2. Sit on the “athlete” side at Foco – something about the poor lighting and presence of large humans will make you more athletic, I promise.


3. If you’re playing soccer, become Tim Howard. This is a simple step to take and I’m not sure why you haven’t done it already.


4. Trash talk. This is a tried-and-true tactic that has improved morale and inflated egos for as long as sports have existed. Use it to your advantage.


5. Show no mercy. Start walking around campus like you own it. Practice your intimidation techniques.


6. Refuse to show weakness of any sort. Intramural sports are a dog-eat-dog world; if you approach it with the utmost seriousness, you may just emerge victorious.

Columbia Pictures/Via

The Top 7 Locations For Watching The World Cup On Campus

With the spectacle of the World Cup captivating us this month, it has rarely been more important to find a place on campus to watch sporting events. You already know most of the go-to spots: first floor Collis, 8 Ball Hall, upstairs FoCo, or your friends’ on- or off-campus houses. Some may even venture into Hanover to watch games at local restaurants. Your intrepid correspondents here at Dartbeat, however, recognize that it is 2014. With many games streaming live on ESPN, viewers are no longer constrained by the need to find a television, since they can watch from the comfort of their own laptops. With that in mind, we’ve scoured the nooks and crannies of campus to find the most underrated and unknown locations to take in the World Cup.


7. Center of the Green

On the Green, you can work on your tan without missing a single shot! While we can’t predict the weather on any given day, the stars predict you’ll see a little bit of sunshine over the next few weeks—at least, that’s what we’ve learned from reading the Astro 2 syllabus.

Note: Dartmouth Secure is stronger on the side of the Green closest to Robinson Hall.


6. Top of the Hopkins Center for the Arts

An underrated workspace, the Top of the Hop is also an excellent spot to take in World Cup games. Enjoy perhaps the greatest view of the Dartmouth Green juxtaposed with the drama of the beautiful game — and don’t forget to order a snack while you’re there.


5. Steps of Dartmouth Hall

With Dartmouth’s most beautiful building at your back and a breeze in your hair, how can you not enjoy the world’s most-watched sporting event?


4. The Stacks

With a good pair of headphones, the Stacks can the best location on campus to watch the World Cup in solitude or with a viewing partner. Be careful not to cheer too loudly if your team scores!


3. The Bema

You remember it from Trips. Now make new memories by re-enacting your favorite match-ups there! (There is no Wi-Fi at the Bema, but why should that stop the fun?)


2. President’s Lawn

Who wouldn’t want to celebrate with College President Phil Hanlon as the United States advances to the knockout stages? Bring a picnic lunch and make this an afternoon to remember!


1. 50 Yard Line

Picture cheering crowds in the stands as your team knocks in the winning goal! As a wise sports editor once said, “watch sports where sports happen.”

7 P.E. Classes We Wish Were Offered For 14X


Because summer “Swimsuit Season” is officially unavoidable. Here are some ideas for the P.E. classes that we wish we could take this summer, while receiving that good ol’ P.E. credit.

1) River Swimming: almost open water swimming but not really.


2) Anything with a yacht, because boats are cool and I want to look good when I am in one.


3) Aerobic Conditioning with Keggy the Keg: wearing that costume all day has to be pretty challenging, plus any excuse to hang out with Keggy is a good one!


4) Outdoor Pong: for appreciating the elements.


5) Bear Fighting: taking “Man vs. Wild” to the extreme.  Or just in case we are all mysteriously transported to Westeros.


6) Tanning for Dummies, a.k.a. Pale People Support Group


7) Getting Rowdy for Prouty — long-distance running training couldn’t hurt!



Let’s get active this summer.