What We Want To Use GoFundMe For

MARGARETTE NELSON / THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

From ShaveBennett to Braden Pellowski ’18’s attempt to finance his legal fees from touching the Homecoming bonfire, GoFundMe campaigns have been popping up all over campus. It got me to thinking —what will people try to crowdsource next?

Greenprint  You would think that for $60,000 a year we would have access to a functional printing system. Chaos ensued earlier this term when there was a system-wide meltdown, and I personally had had it when my own account was disabled. I didn’t even know that was a thing… why would the system target students and disband their accounts?

Resurface the area between FoCo and Robo — It would appear that the construction between Robo and FoCo is coming to a close. (For now. Anyone around during 13X will remember a suspiciously similar and equally disruptive project in the EXACT SAME LOCATION). This time, however, I think they made a mistake on the tiling. With some new funds, maybe they’ll be able to get that walkway straight.

MARGARETTE NELSON / THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Parking fines  Whether it’s on campus or in Hanover, these fines can add up. Citations from the College will subsequently get more expensive (all the prohibited parking zones are just a blocker on our mobility out of Hanover), and the town multiplies the fine the longer you hold out on paying it off. Wait long enough, and that $10 ticket you forgot about turns into a monstrosity.

MARGARETTE NELSON / THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Greek system — keep or abolish? Perhaps the College’s biggest motivation for preserving the Greek System is the desire not to alienate wealthy affiliated alumni. Maybe they should put this to the test by making two separate GoFundMes and see which one raises the most money. Because the more money you have, the more your opinion counts, right?

A real winter jacket  Somehow I’ve made it through college with only the jacket pictured below. Puffy, yes. Hood and below-the-hip coverage, no. Maybe I can raise $800 and upgrade to the ubiquitous Canada Goose.

Courtesy of Alpine Lowe

Return of the party packs Yes, $30,000 was a bit much to spend every year on bread and water, but every freshman should have the opportunity to gain the freshman 15 the same way I did.

Diversions  If you can somehow convince the public that this one was not your fault, you can crowdsource the financing of your wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time behavior (or poor choices, depends on how you look at it). Maybe if we had party packs there would be fewer Diversions instances.

MARGARETTE NELSON / THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Kickstarter for a valet service — Entrepreneurial ’17s and ’18s, listen up! Next time someone wants to start a full-size rental bed company, they should rethink their plan and start a valet service from A-Lot instead. My twice weekly mile-and-a-half round trip journeys to A-Lot have given me plenty of time to contemplate how the College maroons innocent bystanders in this tundric hell by placing the student parking lot so far away that only the few privileged enough to have readily accessible parking spots can escape.

MARGARETTE NELSON / THE DARTMOUTH STAFF

Drones  Civilian drones are on the rise. Both The Wall Street Journal and I are on it. Just don’t fly them over an NFL stadium.

Courtesy of DJI Phantom

7 Reasons Why the Winter Olympics Are Better Than the Summer Olympics

Once upon a time in ancient Greece, citizens competed in running, boxing and javelin-throwing events to demonstrate their devotion to Zeus. Some would say that we’ve come a long way since then, with our electronic stopwatches and 24/7 television coverage of the Olympic Games. I would argue, however, that the biggest win in the evolution of the Olympics is that we’ve come up with a completely better version of them — the Winter Olympics.

Every four years we are blessed with the chance to watch the seemingly fearless athletes of the world fly through the air strapped to a piece of wood or shoot down an icy slide at terrifying speeds.

Notwithstanding the fact that Sochi seems to be piping polluted water through their faucets (among a slew of other issues), the Winter Olympics is a badass combination of guts, glory and snow.

Here’s why:

  1. Freestyle skiing

The fact that this is even an event is unreal. I’d like to see any summer athlete speed through moguls only to pull an aerial trick and then continue banging through more moguls. Check it out.

Which brings me to…

  1. The U.S. ski team
Courtesy of NBC

Not only are they incredibly talented, they are pretty easy on the eyes. No seriously, look at them.

  1. And on a similar note, our snowboarders are looking pretty sweet.
And he just happens to be friends with Shaun White, the second-hottest snowboarder .
Courtesy of Buzzfeed

There’s even a Buzzfeed post called “23 Reasons Why Greg Bretz Should Be Your Valentine This Year.” Good luck ladies.

  1. Hockey

Need I remind you of the speech from “Miracle” (2004)? Seriously people – “Great moments are born from great opportunity.”

  1. Sochi puns

Curling and Russian history jokes are running rampant on Twitter, with snippets like, “What I learned from the Olympics: In sports, you get out what you Putin,” or, “With the Olympics going on I’m making a concerted effort to make as many country related puns as possible. I should start a Czech list.”

What I learned from the Olympics: In sports, you get out what you Putin. #Olympics2014 #puns

— Darius J. Nolan (@da_nolan) February 11, 2014

  1. The U.S. team sweaters
Courtesy of the New York Times

I’m not sure if this was an intentional joke or not, but these uniforms are hilariously amazing. You can’t deny that this would be the ultimate flair for tacky sweater tails.

  1. Sochi’s Olympic program also won with the Russian Police Choir performing Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” at the Opening Ceremony:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZSEw8SYf7k

Even if you can’t get behind this rendition, you have to at least give them an A for effort (and for their outfits).

Reactions To The Polar Bear Plunge

FIONA EWING

On Friday morning, dozens of members from the local community lined up on the ice of Occom Pond, prepared to participate in an infamous Dartmouth tradition: the polar bear plunge. Here are reactions from a few of those who were courageous enough to take the plunge.

Courtesy of Fiona Ewing

 

“I feel numb but satisfied.” – Catherine Kannam ’17

“I feel surprisingly warm and satisfied that I’ve participated in a Dartmouth tradition.” – government professor Michelle Clarke

“It’s chilly, it’s fresh and it’s fun.” – Madeline Brown ’16

“My reaction would be a curse word, so I don’t know if that’s okay. But yeah, it was worth it.” – Milan Huynh ’17

Milan Huynh ’17 / Courtesy of Fiona Ewing

“When I was in the water, I was just focused on swimming to the other end and getting out because it was so cold. And so I didn’t immediately really realize what I had done. But it was cool knowing that I had done it, and then I look back at the beginning and saw people practically crying.” – Jared Boyce ’16

“My feet are slowly starting to feel frozen, but I can cross it off the bucket list.” – Christopher Given ’14

“I feel really good. It wasn’t that bad at all. My hands and feet are kind of numb, but I’m really happy I did it.” – Lily Lynch ’16

Lily Lynch '16 / Courtesy of Fiona Ewing

“I was very pumped up for it. When I was climbing up the ladder I felt like I was dying, but afterwards it was the best feeling in the world, knowing that I participated in a Dartmouth tradition.” – Hayley Snyder ’17

Hayley Snyder ’17 / Courtesy of Fiona Ewing

The Seven Kinds of People You Find at the Polar Bear Plunge

What kind of person would willingly give up sleeping in on a day when classes are cancelled to jump into freezing pond water? As it turns out, there are many students who do so every year. Here are a few of them:

1. Eager freshmen.

http://happsters.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/tumblr_mqcxq9fell1rxk7ato1_r2_500.gif
Via happsters.com

Probably the largest group at the event. It’s their first Carnival, and they’re not yet completely over the idea of being outside during a Hanover winter. As they move forward in line, they laugh and make plans with their floormates to do this together every winter. Upon hitting the water, each of them will immediately forego these plans.

2. Bucket-listing seniors.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/8c0e5c44d7501681e43cc17f2bbbb568/tumblr_mkgclmLlDc1qkdjxgo1_500.gif
Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures / Via mallgirlbigpersonality.tumblr.com

Although most of them are probably wishing they had checked this one off while they were eager freshmen, they’ve got their eyes on the prize. Only a few yards of ridiculously, body-numbingly cold water separates them from eternal Dartmouth glory. Besides, after doing this in 10-degree weather, completing the Ledyard Challenge in the spring will be a piece of cake.

3. People still out from the night before.

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Courtesy of NBC / Via lifeinacloud.tumblr.com

If you’re out late enough, you might as well do the Lou’s Challenge, and if you’re still awake after that, you might as well hurl yourself into the icy depths of Occom Pond.  Am I right? By now, these people are beyond rallying and fading fast, but since they’re still shrouded in the tattered remains of their liquor coats from the night before, they actually might be the most prepared group at the event.

4. Desperate souls coming off of an all-nighter.

http://blogs.ubc.ca/jessjesschen/files/2012/12/tumblr_maile4kaQO1qj1svso1_500.gif
Via teen.com

These people are the victims of profs who don’t “get” Winter Carnival and have assigned papers or midterms that are due over the weekend. A quick jump in the pond will be a refreshing study break (and is quicker than walking back to the dorm to shower before returning to 1902 for the rest of the day).

5. People who have been working out all term.

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Courtesy of Focus Features / Via whatshouldbetchescallme.tumblr.com

Those long, cold walks to the gym for Zumba Toning are about to pay off. You can recognize these people by the confidence they exude as they strip down to next to nothing in preparation for the jump. They weren’t feeling quite bold enough to perform in the Lingerie Show, but they’re working it now and they know it.

6. People who bet on the Broncos.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fsh-tYqgwo4/UomblHt5N8I/AAAAAAAADtU/BSrck-ivwUs/s1600/broncmascot.gif
Courtesy of NBC / Via gifdsports.com

Coming out of halftime down 22 points to zero, it seemed like Denver was primed for a comeback, and these people banked on it. Alas, it was not to be. They’re hating life right about now, but on the bright side, they’ve got a group of friends/Seattle fans there to cheer them on.

7. That one guy who got dragged along by his zealous friends and is SO not down for this.

http://i.imgur.com/ZqQir.gif
Via funnycutegifs.com

“What exactly is the point of this tradition again?”

Winter Carnival Dos and Don’ts

While some people write off Winter Carnival as the grimmest big weekend of the year, the weekend is the perfect time to let off some steam from midterms, enjoy the snowy weather and cross a few items off your Dartmouth bucket list. Be sure to keep these important dos and don’ts in mind as you enjoy the (freezing cold) revelry.

Specatators crowd around the Psi U lawn-rink to watch a student take a turn at the Psi U keg jump, a Winter Carnival tradition discontinued in 2001 amidst controversy due to Psi U's inability to cover the insurance.
Courtesy of the Dartmouth College Library

DO: Go to some of the scheduled daytime activities! Even if jumping into a freezing pond at the Polar Bear Swim isn’t your thing, there are lots of official Carnival events throughout the weekend: the Carnival Tea, ice sculpture competition and human dog sled race. You can check out the entire schedule online here.

Dartmouth students, left to right, Renee Lai (on sled), Jocelyn Powelson, Kristen Flint, and Solomon Rajput took part in the human dog sled race.
Courtesy of The Boston Globe

DON’T: Sleep through everything! The corollary to my previous point. By the time I woke up on Friday of last year’s Carnival, the Polar Bear Swim was long over. Figure out what events you want to go to in advance and set multiple alarms.

Jon Sheller '09 takes the plunge into a frigid Occom Pond during Winter Carnival's annual Polar Bear Swim, which was held on Friday.
Courtesy of Marina Agapakis '09

DO: Go skiing! This Friday, February 7th is 99 Cent Ski Day at the Skiway. Even if the idea of a black diamond slope makes you cower in fear for your personal safety, there’s no better time to get yourself out there and practice. Take advantage of the snow while it lasts!

Dartmouth Skiway
Courtesy of Joseph Mehling ’69

DON’T: Forget to grab a Carnival poster and t-shirt from Collis! The Carnival of Thrones theme this year is pretty awesome, so don’t forget to buy something to commemorate your experience. (I doubt the snow sculpture will last as long.)

images/DCS16-big.jpg
Courtesy of the Dartmouth Coop

DO: Stay warm! In the winter, scarves and hot chocolate are the answer to all of life’s problems. When going out at night, bring an extra-warm fracket and do your best to keep track of it. There’s no worse way to end your Carnival weekend than freezing to death.

DON’T: Forget about homework and upcoming midterms! They literally never end, argh.

The Stages of Getting a Winter PE Credit

Winter’s here, and with below-zero temps and hidden ice patches everywhere, it feels a bit like it’s out to get you.

http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-gif-snowman-prank-snowball.gif
Via icanhasgif.com

Your first instinct is to take shelter in your room and hibernate for the next few months…

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Via cdn.weknowgifs.com

And then you remember you still haven’t done your PE requirement.

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Courtesy of NBC / Via communitythings.tumblr.com

Time to get to work.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2ar31IEjK1rqfhi2o1_500.gif
Courtesy of Disney Pictures / Via gifs-for-the-masses.tumblr.com

You consider taking a beginner ski class, but rentals are at Leverone and it’s soooo far away.

http://www.gurl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/tv-gif-will.gif
Courtesy of Columbia Pictures / Via ishouldvenevergraduated.tumblr.com

You sign up for a Wakeup Workout class, then immediately drop out when you realize it’s at 6 a.m.

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Courtesy of Columbia Pictures / Via chacunmesgouts.tumblr.com

It’s going to take a group effort. You rally your friends together to take the intramural sports world by storm.

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Courtesy of The Lonely Island / Via campusbasement.com

You start with hockey, expecting something like this:

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Courtesy of Buena Vista Pictures / Via Buzzfeed

But it ends up like this:

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6991865856/hCA0183B7/
Via Senorgif.com

You’ve almost given up hope, but then…basketball!

http://www.somegif.com/gifs/1359645272122765033.GIF
Courtesy of Disney Channel Original Movies / Via somegif.com

By the end of the term you’ve mastered the sport and made some great teammates along the way.

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y209/CurbProph/Forum/TumblrGifs/Hug2.gif
Courtesy of Nickelodeon

And against all odds, you’ve finally gotten the PE credit!

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Via forgifs.com

…Only two more to go.

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Courtesy of HBO